and i can't wait to do so many things. to learn jazz piano, to spend time reading and watching sappy movies. crying over the anguish and pain the characters go through. watching really happy shows and laughing at their absurdity and wishing to be a little mad. spend time talking, and reflecting about life, and finding new direction(s). haha to go crazy a lil bit and do something like start a band. haha. catch up on sleep, shopping, exercising(omg yes), spending time with ppl that i've neglected. spending time doing small things that might seem to account to nothing big. to quench the thirst to know Him better. haha, and just explore this big big world.
i feel so empty inside. there are just some things that happen and some words said that just resonate in your mind. and you marvel at the changes that time has caused. in you. in life. in the ways you see things. i just suddenly feel the drain. i don't know what has gotten into me. i feel all my hope, my drive just drained out. i feel so sick of being me. being happy. of being someone still doing a levels. of being insufficient. of trying to be someone else. of trying to be better than i can be. to see better than i am. to be important.
reading jo's post has made me want to reflect! (wow jo, you've inspired me to think haha.) the past 2 years has been unexpected. the fast pace life in jc was breathtaking, and all the more stressful. i can't decide which is more! fulfilled because i survived, blessed because i had so many dear friends to struggle with, to laugh with, to play, to sing and just be jolly with.
like many, i think i've grown, changed, hopefully matured. stress was a good teacher, so were struggle and failure (reminds me of estella and pip! haha ). but God was a better. the lessons He taught me had eternal value. i was broken and tried, and He was faithful to comfort and restore when i stopped hiding from Him.
im grateful for this chance as a saint, and i honestly would not trade these 2 years for any other.
